Little Blue Book

I was asked for a post

2011-06-30T17:18:00.004-05:00

but up untill today, I haven't felt the need to post anything here, probably because the people in my life hadnt made me feel like a piece of shit. up untill now.
I recieved an email today from a former housemate who basically decided it would be ok to talk to me like I was a piece of shit, and decide that thats how they wanted me to feel. whats worse is that even though the tone of the message is obviously one of anger, he (for it was a he) decide to begin and end his conversation with "with all do respect".
this is my "Im not going to be polite to you" response, that I would like to say but probably wont. Please note, when in doubt, apply sarcasm.

Hi ___________
Thanks for taking the time to write me today. I hope you enjoy the fact that you made me feel like a piece of shit and a horrible human being. My co-workers especially enjoyed watching me partially break down while reading your message. I was also fortunate enough to have numerous patrons to deal with during and after. that was so much fun. Im not sure if you've ever been put in a position to feel this way, but it felt kinda like going on a tilt-a-whirl, when your sick with the flu. super fun right? Anyway, this message is to let you know that I never ever want to speak to you ever again. I hope you have a fun time working your ass off at nursing school. although i think our previous profession would be better because then you wouldnt have to learn how to interact with people. because to be honest, you suck at it.

Rants

2009-12-14T20:18:00.002-06:00

Right now I'm sitting at the computer and I'm furious inside. There are so many things that I am furious about. so I guess I'm just going to rant... please bear(? bare?, i have no idea) with me.

I have a friend, who I think is about to make a huge mistake, she wants to get involved with a 19 year old college student, who has a 6month old child. Shes going to be moving to a tiny town in north central Iowa, that's homophobic, and unfriendly to her gay ass. shes moving there and she has no problems leaving her friends, her friends, and almost everyone that she cares about. Personally, I think whats worse is that shes doing what all of my friends have done, they've left or theyve cut me off and it hurts. I'm like two inches from not talking to her ever again. I really really hate this but i know that if i back down I'm going to loose all respect that i have for myself.

ok the second thing that I'm having a problem with right now is that i just got told that i was wrong about something when it comes to politics. admittedly, not a political science major, so i know that i don't know everything, but still, i would like to think that im fairly adept and knowledgeable. I got told that tax cuts for the rich, were a good thing. that they help stimulate the economy. and basically i got told that i should take classes and learn about it. first of all, I'm an informal student of politics, so I'm fairly confident that i know what im taking about. I'm also fairly adept at the general trends of politics. and while its true that i have not studied that particular time period in American history/politics I'm fairly sure that the vast majority of Americans (aka those who are not in the 1% richest population) were negatively affected by Regan's administration. I mean there is a reason why hes the poster-boy for the republican party!!! I hate this, oh my god i hate this. please don't treat me like I know nothing. please remember that i am an intelligent human being, if you believe something, come to the table with the sources and where you got it from. NOT JUST I KNOW THIS. that is the one way you can really really piss me off. im going to admit that im wrong, first thing, I know this, but don't just blow me off.
SO ANGRY!!!!

Alright, Alright, I hear you

2009-12-08T10:12:00.002-06:00

Alright alright, so i know i havent posted in a long time, but it reallys not a big deal because when i dont post that basically just means that i dont have anything i need to say. i should also stress that its not that i dont have anything to say, its more that i dont have anything to talk about, or anything that ive been stressing hard core about. Im basically just keeping my head down staying away from all the drama, not getting into trouble and just chillin. recently ive been trying to focus on school but once school ends, im sure that ill have more to talk about. even if it is just to rant about how stupid eveyone is.
Ok got to go now
AJ

Venting

2009-09-28T22:05:00.003-05:00

I need to vent.
I hate them , I hate them all, why the fuck cant they leave me alone and not try and fuck with my life. I hate not being able to talk about the things that I want, I hate when people don't listen to me and they continue to hinder me when I'm only trying to do something good. I hate it when people think that they should be the center of the world and are not considerate of other people, especially when their inconsiderate behavior leaves me hanging out to dry. It really really bothers me. Sometimes I swear that people are doing things just to fuck with my life...And now it turns out I can't even go to the grocery store without considering the ramifications of what's going to happen. basically I have to change my whole routine just to so that no drama is started. I really hate that. GODDESS SAVE ME! I really need to get out of this town/state

Hello Old Friends

2009-09-04T07:50:00.002-05:00

Hello Old Friends, I must say that it has been a long time since I actually visited you. I missed you all and Im hoping that you all missed me too. It may seem odd, but perhaps the most exciting news I have is of new shoes. LOL. So I also started classes again, which is pretty awesome. I really like all of my classes...ok so not true, all except for one...But Im sure I can deal with that. I must go now, but I promise I will be back again soon with some brilliant piece of enlightenment.
Peace

2009-08-09T17:26:00.001-05:00

Shes a narcissistic egomaniac and I Hate Her. An odd feeling, Its different than the urge for revenge, which is hot. This hate burns cold. So cold it freezes a part of my soul.

2009-07-14T18:49:00.001-05:00

In Loving Memory

What else can I do?

2009-06-16T22:55:00.002-05:00

I am so frustrated right now, that this is the only thing I can think of that could possibly make me feel better about my life. I have come to the conclusion that people basically suck. They say that they will be there for you, and that you can rely on them or they make you think that your important and whatever kind of relationship you have, be it that of friend or lover, is special as well. Then they throw you the curve ball that makes you wonder how the hell you ever invited that person into your life. All this only leads to the ever wandering question of "What If...?" which is impossible to answer and can only lead to more frustration. Its not even worth it anymore to figure out what really is going on but when people lead you to believe that you matter,
How can you let go?

2009-06-04T16:33:00.001-05:00

It is taking all that i have not to lash out wit words right now. I just want to scream so you know how angry I am. You can go Fuck yourself for all I care.

2009-05-17T22:53:00.001-05:00

I'm beginning to realize how easy it is to separate myself from my emotions. Its connecting that's the hard part. I wish I knew why I'm this way. Strange...

2009-05-15T16:48:00.001-05:00

Goddess i should not be frustrated when its the last day of class. I should be happy and excited for the summer. Why do things not work the way I want them to?

She's YOUR Girlfriend

2009-04-29T20:08:00.004-05:00

Shes your girlfriend.
That doesnt meant we have to be friends
We dont have to share stories or chat over coffee.
I dont need to know what her hobbies
or what her favorite color is.
I dont want to know what candy she likes
or if she dances like a monkey

Shes your girlfriend
we dont need to be friends
But I have to know that shes a good person
someone kind enough to know how you take your coffee
someone who knows your habits as well as i do
I need to know that she looks at you and there are warm fuzzies
I want to know that she makes you happy
Shes your girlfriend, but your my best friend

2009-04-17T22:18:00.001-05:00

I am proud to be a lesbian woman. I am not afraid to be who I am. Today is the day of silence. What will you do to end it?

2009-04-16T19:23:00.001-05:00

I am now officially mobile! Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?

2009-04-09T10:09:00.003-05:00

Here's My Question of the Day
How do you stop something thats become a part of you?

New Year's Resolutions

2009-04-06T18:58:00.002-05:00

I've recently turned a year older this month, and Ive been thinking about making some changes. The best way Ive come up with is to set some resolutions for myself. I realize that its a little unconventional, but really if you think about it, why would someone start to change something in the middle of winter? call me crazy but that just seems a bit off. I mean, dont we do spring cleaning in the spring? what are resolutions but our own personal spring cleaning sessions in areas of our lives that dont apply to our closets, attics, or basements? Instead of making these resolutions in the depths of winter when we cant feel motivated to stay with them, I propose that we start the spring, a season traditionally associated with growth and new beginnings, with promises of betterment for ourselves. Luckily my birthday falls startiling close to the beginning of this season and thus it makes an easier date to remember. Ok, so dear readers, now that Ive explained why I've decided to do this, lets get down to the business of actually describing.

1. Be more healthy - and obvious one, but you cant deny the classics

2. Be more Studious - unfortunatly, this is really more of a must than a wish

3. Save more - saving money, kinda self explaitory

4. Be more aware. - being more aware of myself, but also being more aware of the people around me.

Thats all for now, but I'm open for suggestions.

Peace (-<)

IM BACK

2009-04-05T23:52:00.002-05:00

I'M BACK!!!
I know you've all missed me, and Ive missed you too!!! Ive got some new things going on in my life, which I know that you all are just dying to know about (please excuse the sarcasm, its been a long day) and I will be posting more often now. In case you havent noticed, Ive posted a few things, nothing special, some wimsy, some ranty, some emotional. Please, read and enjoy, and I will soon have some new goodies for you!!! Love ya'll lots!

Suffering in Silence

2009-04-05T23:15:00.003-05:00

I hate this. I really do. Its like there is this thing in my head that makes my heart ache. I cant stand feeling this way, its affecting my friends, my family, the way I treat people. Ive changed my habits, the places I feel comfortable. About a year ago I couldn't stand being in my own house, and I promised myself that I would never feel that way again, but its happening again. I have no one to blame, no one to talk to. I cant say anything about it with out them feeling like they are to blame. I have a problem, which no one wants to know about.

Porn

2009-03-30T10:24:00.002-05:00

There's been lots of talk about porn lately, at least, I've been thinking about it alot. Maybe I should start by explaining that I consider myself a Feminist, an Activist and a Lesbian. It means something that I can and will proudly say that I own Porn. Let me qualify that. I buy Porn, that is directed by a lesbian woman, produced by women, and sold in women friendly stores and companies. I own porn that is intended to be seen by lesbians, and stars lesbians. I believe that its not fair to say that Porn is degrading, because it becomes hard to say something is degrading when the people who are performing feel empowered. I believe that its also not fair to say, porn is exploitative, because its not, and the number of women who have been interviewed have said that they are not exploitative, and in fact view what they do as powerful and enjoyable. There has been a long debate about whether porn is exploitative, and I cant say that none of it is, because, like it or not, there have been people who are exploited. But I choose to support women, who are using their sex and sexuality to both empower themselves and explore their sexuality.
Who are we to judge another woman's experience? Who are we to say, No you cant use this as a source of empowerment? Women, Lesbians, and Feminists need to examine this issue more deeply among oursleves and in our own personal lives before affecting change that will alter the lives of millions of women.

I should say that a lot of this has come from a documentary series called Lesbian Sex and Sexuality. Also, there have been some interesting websites. The blog written by Paper cuts and Plastic. (see right) and Ask Ducky (again see right)

2009-02-23T08:51:00.002-06:00

Stole this From Strawberry Swirl at Face First Into the Dashboard (see right) and thought I would give it a try. . . I was bored, so sue me!

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.(not completly, and it wasnt very high, but I think it still counts)
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you're not sick. (Seriously, who hasn't?)
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community.( I live in Iowa, Enough said)
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to truly be satisfied. (yes, but it was short lived, isn't it always?)
38. Seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business. (does dog sitting count???)
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served in a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving. (Totally would/want to!)
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Been to the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the paper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House. (stood outside its gates)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had Chicken pox.
89. Saved someones life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone. (who doesnt???)
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day. (I've done this a lot- I get engulfed)

S

2009-02-23T08:15:00.003-06:00

Fuck This
Fuck You
Who am I to you?
Am I amusing?
Do I simply keep you entertained?
Is that All I'm worth?
Kick me when I'm wondering what the fuck is going on
Say the most hurtful things, and then walk away like its nothing
Do It.
You know you want to.

Dreams

2009-01-12T19:56:00.003-06:00

Ive been thinking about dreams lately, what they mean, what they do, what they say... I wish I could tell you that I had an answer to these questions but I dont because you see, I dont dream, or at least I almost never remember the dreams I have. People say that your dreams are a reflection of your soul. Is it true? Do our dreams reflect more than the mixed up moments of the day?
I am envious of dreamers, because by night they live in another world, where I have to make do with this reality. I guess that means that I take better advantatge of the moments in my waking life but it also means that I have no escape from anything other than waking life...
who is more lucky? the one who lives with dreams or the one who lives with life?

Tears

2009-01-07T12:39:00.004-06:00

for the first time in a long time today i had tears in my eyes

not from anger but from sadness

because someone said

something that I couldnt

bear to handle

Im not afraid of death

but I dont know what I would do if I lost you

Long Time Comming

2008-12-07T17:12:00.003-06:00

Im not single anymore.
Its been a long time since I've been able to say that.
And it feels strange, but in a good way...
Im so unfamiliar with the feeling loved by someone that sometimes it really has me thrown for a loop.
There are times when I cant believe that this is happening to me, its like all the moments before were real but that was just so...unexpected that its almost impossible
Im happy though, really and truly happy.
and I dont have any regrets.

Secrets

2008-12-03T11:49:00.002-06:00

I’ve been thinking about secrets lately, what they are, what they do, and when I use them. I like keeping secrets; in fact, it’s what I'm known for, keeping secrets, or if not keeping my own secrets, keeping the secrets of other people. A secret is locked up in trust and the truth. Because that’s really what a secret is a tiny piece of truth that doesn’t want to be shared. I respect people who keep secrets, and I understand people who need to tell them. Yeah it’s good to write things down sometimes but sometimes it’s almost necessary to tell someone else. Secrets can be heavy; they can keep you from living. They can rip through you like knives, and prick like tiny needles. Everyone knows or has a secret. Some have more than others do. I have secrets from other people all the time. Others give me secrets, and entrust me to keep them safe, but I rarely have secrets myself. I keep, and can keep secrets from almost everyone except for a select few. But guessing that I have a secret requires that someone knows me well, and even more importantly, cares. Secrets are an act of love, or more specifically, keeping secrets is an act of love.

Bear with me

2008-11-26T13:52:00.003-06:00

Ok, so Im changing, and I feel like this blog should reflect that, so you might see some different things going on, because Im not sure exactly what Im looking for, and Im not sure what I will finally decide, so there may be some changes, some may last, others may not, but please, bear with me.

P.S. if you like something, just let me know

Multiple Personalities

2008-11-26T10:27:00.002-06:00

We all have those people in our lives who have multiple personalities. The people who, when around one person are completly different than they are when they are with someone else. normally this behavior doesn't bother me, because I know that when they are around me, they are almost always gonna be the same. but its times when I see evidenence of the multiple that I dont like. Its like I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, a queasy feeling that takes time to go away. I guess thats why I am more careful, with who, what I do, and when I hang out with people, because one thing like that, can just ruin my entire evening

Politics

2008-11-22T19:02:00.002-06:00

I've noticed something lately.
I cant have an intellectual conversation with the majority of my friends.
By intellectual conversation I mean that I can talk about politics, or academics, or anything with them. My friends are really great people, but most of them that I am around are a) younger than me and b) not interested in talking about things that affect the wider world. When I am around them I want to just have fun...most of the time. But ever once and a while it would be nice to have a conversation that revolved around more than what movies we are watching or who is sleeping with who. Its so frustrating, because though I love my friends, I realize that outside of a certain area, we have nothing in common...

Single

2008-11-22T18:52:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I was reflecting recently, and I noticed that I have been single now, for going on 4 years. I've built a life for myself. I have friends, who I love and who love me, I have a job, and school and things that I really enjoy, but sometimes, especially when I'm around my friends who are not single, I get discontented, I notice the absence in my life. I know that I am going to wake up some tomorrow and be ok, my life will not end but I have trouble sometimes imagining my life any differently. I love my life, but I think that I could love my life more...

Responsibility

2008-11-12T10:01:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I hate being the responsible one. With responsibility comes an expectation, about your behavior, what you say and how you act. I’ve been the responsible on since high school. I was always more academic, always followed the rules, and always listened to the opinions of others. But sometimes, like now, I just want to be juvenile, to act immature, and irresponsible. I want to scream and whine and throw a tantrum and say fuck you, to whoever I want and mean it. I want to pout and whine until I get my way.
But I don’t, because people expect me to say and do certain things, and behave appropriately and be responsible. I don’t because I like the respect that others give me because I am the way I am.
I don’t because by doing the right thing, by taking the high road and not giving into temptation I respect myself more. And that is something that I will never give up.

Pride and Shame

2008-11-12T09:44:00.002-06:00

For the first time in a very long time I can honestly say that I am proud of my country. I would like to think that you can figure out why but just in case you've been hiding under a rock for the past week or so, I'll tell you why. On November 4th 2008 this country voted Barack Obama in to the white house, as the first African American president ever. Not only did we elect him with a vast majority of electoral votes, but we also gave him 52% of the popular vote. And I am very proud to say that I helped contribute, in a very small way, to his success.

(On a side note, I believe that it is important that everyone makes their voices heard, no matter who you vote for. It is part of every Americans civic duty to vote and frankly if you don’t vote, don’t complain about the way things are. The only way to really create change is to work within the system, not from the sidelines, but back to what I was saying before)

Sadly, I have recently come across some very disturbing things. Mostly on Facebook, things about how the election day of president-elect Obama was the day that freedom and liberty died and various other things promoting the presidency of Biden in 2009. In response to these people I would just like to say first of all, BOO FUCKIN HOO! Your candidate lost, get over yourself, because you protesting about it isn’t going to change the fact that on January 20th Obama will take the oath of office. And even if you were to try that’s A.) A felony, B.) Unpatriotic, and C.) Totally not appropriate. Now it is true that in 2000 with the election of President Bush, some nasty things were said, that election was very hotly contested, and very different than the one that we just say a week ago. you should take some advice from your own candidate senator john McCain and support the president elect, if you want to make your voice heard, do in a more appropriate way, or better yet, get involved in local politics.
The only way you’re going to change anything is by getting involved, not by whining about it.

Early morning hyperness and Blog Links

2008-10-30T07:50:00.003-05:00

GOOOD MOOORNING!
Don't you all miss early morning hyper AJ?
Nothin? Really? That makes me sad.
Buuuuuut I'm NOT going to let it get me down.
So you all may have noticed that I've added a few links, on the side of my blog, and I'm demanding that you all take a look at them. Because I think that they are AMAZING, and I even encourage you to go back to them in the future. I must admit, some of them are sexual in nature. if you know anything about me, then you should know that this is absolutely typical. ummmm if you fail to take a look and I ask you about it in the future, you will regret not doing it now because I will most likely hurt you. Sooooooooooooooo. Sending much love to all my peeps. and I have to go to class now.
PEACE

Randomness

2008-10-13T18:18:00.002-05:00

These past few blogs have been really crappy, and I give my apologies to the few, (one, two, im not really sure) people who read this. I promise that there will be some better posts comming soon. I have sort of a confession to make actually. I have one guilty pleasure, that I don't really talk about to anyone, but its small and I dont indulge myself that often. Ive been asked to give it up in a way, and its scary. I dont like it when things change and thats what I've been asked to do, make things change. Its been freaking me out, and buzzing around my brain, so much that I've had to write about it. maybe this is just me being stuborn, I cant be for sure. Maybe everything will turn out for the better but I have some deep rooted suspicions that it wont. It turning out for the better would be to bizzare to comprehend right now...and I'm not sure that I ever will be able to wrap my head around this new idea.

2008-10-10T22:40:00.003-05:00

I guess I got what I asked for...

Anger

2008-10-09T14:02:00.002-05:00

I believe that Anger is the most powerful emotion. I know that everyone thinks the most powerful emotion is Love, but I dont think so. Love keeps us still, the moments in which we experience love, are the moments that we want to last forever. Love makes us content with the way the world is.
Anger is the emotion that drives us forward. No one wants to be angry, no one wants to feel real rage. Anger makes us see the way the world is, and then gives us the strength to change it. It is more productive to be angry.

Tight Rope Walking

2008-10-05T11:45:00.003-05:00

Sorry about that last post there folks, I really didnt mean to be that depressing.
sometimes I find myself walking a tight rope, between two points, both saying you're ok, and that everything is meant to be the way it is, but while I'm on that tight rope, I'm unstable, and I'm not sure what I want, or if I'm ever gonna make it to the other side. I have a tendency to love and to hate change at the same time. It can be a wonderful thing but...it scares me. It works better if change is a slow process, not driven by outside forces, but driven by me. I've slowly been trying new things, adding little pieces here and there, to try and make my life a better place to be. I need to be in control, but when im on that tight rope, I'm not.

2008-09-27T10:17:00.002-05:00

No one ever told me about writing. No one told me how good it feels to put words onto paper as a purging of everything. It was something that I just kinda learned on my own, driven by the need to find an outlet when half the time I felt like I had no voice. Its amazing how many people silence you, even if you don't realize it. I'm so tired of being silenced. I'm so tired of looking into other peoples eyes and seeing nothing but hatred. I've seen those eyes before, and like those, i will never forget them. I guess I just never expected that anger to visit me again in those eyes. I'm tired of feeling guilty, for what I do, what I wear, for who I'm with. I'm tired of letting other people down. I will be the rock, but what will everyone do if I start to crumble? I don't want to repeat those years when I just shut myself off from the rest of the world. I don't want to be in a bubble.
I need something new, something different, a change for the better. Who knows when that's going to come.

Self Destruction

2008-09-08T18:08:00.001-05:00

Ive been reflecting on my behavior lately, don't ask me why, and I've noticed a distinct pattern. maybe this is true for a lot of people, I don't really know. When I become lonely I've developed destructive behaviors, ones that have me reaching for things that are both physically or emotionally damaging. Is it possible that these patterns are not just of my own doing. Do others develop these same tendencies or is it just me? I hope its not.

Connections

2008-09-08T18:02:00.002-05:00

is it possible that there could be so many people all searching for the one thing, that one little moment of connection? Is that why we all do so many things, adopting lables, and people, hoping to meet someone who is like us. Are all the millions of blogs myspace pages and facebook groups mearly what they seem on the surface, at the most, something interesting to do, at the least a waste of time. Or are they a more desparate attempt to avoid the loneliness of every day life. it seems to me that the more we scramble to connect the more isolated we become.

The screen on your computer cant compete with the feeling of being encircled in someones arms, even if the embrace is nothing more than a friendly hug.

All of Me

2008-09-02T13:00:00.002-05:00

I found this the other day, and for some reason it seems oddly fitting for today, though I wrote it in a yesterday that has long since passed. Its interesting how time comes full circle. I was asked to describe time the other day, and the description I gave was nothing like the one that you find in the dictionary. I've been thinking a lot about time lately. How it likes to repeat itself. How it likes to slow down at some moments and make them seem endless and then it can turn around and make things go by so quickly that you find yourself gasping for breath with sheer effort to stay with the moment. I cant decide whether time is my friend or something that I must fight against with all of my will. Maybe I will never know. Anyway, back to the original intent of this post. Here it is.

I Care.

you wouldnt believe me if I told you how much.

that fact has nothing to do with this.

it doest matter because she has you.

You mean the World to her

it is not that I do not care

but that my feelings hold infinately Less than do Yours

So Kiss her, Hold her, Comfort her

like I long to do

for she Accepts you

and rejects All of Me

2008-08-28T12:17:00.002-05:00

history is repeating itself...again and i don't know if i can do it

2008-08-22T22:50:00.002-05:00

Dear Friend
It rained the day you left, as if the sky was crying for your departure. you probably didn't know that. i think the sky is still depressed, because it is still the cold steel gray color that marks the end of a rain shower. i wish you were here to see it. i know how much you loved the rain. I know that the new place your going to cant be the same as home, as Iowa. but i hope that you will find new beauty in this new world of yours. This isnt a goodbye letter. goodbye sounds so formal, so final and i dont want this departure to be final. so i guess you could say that this is a see you soon letter. an i will miss you letter. a when are you comming back letter. because i wont be saying goodbye, not now, not then.
See you soon
AJ

Fuck You!

2008-08-04T09:23:00.002-05:00

Save the drama for your mama and get the FUCK out of my life!

you are soooo not worth it

2008-07-28T22:16:00.001-05:00

I am so stupid!

2008-07-25T20:38:00.002-05:00

I think that the Universe is trying to make me crazy.

2008-07-22T15:58:00.001-05:00

I never thought that doing something, or not doing something would be so hard.

Hurt Me

2008-06-28T20:01:00.001-05:00

I wanted you to hurt me
give me something other than this to feel
but you wouldnt
because then you would hurt too
but i wished
and i almost gave in
and asked
please
Hurt Me

A Walk in the Rain

2008-06-13T22:06:00.001-05:00

Last night I went for a walk in the rain,
and I found myself staring out from underneath my umbrella, out into the distance, and it came to me that I was looking for someone.and when, after a few moments I saw nothing, I realized
the person I was looking for doesn't exist and never would. Except for in my own mind.

Im Confused

2008-06-08T23:57:00.002-05:00

I'm confused
and i dont know what to do about it because i'm terrified about what will happen

Dear Cyber Audience

2008-04-20T21:48:00.003-05:00

Dear Cyber Audience
I ask for your forgiveness.
It has been a while since I last gave you something to while away at.
It seems that every time I sit down to write to you, something else distracts me from my purpose. I wish that I could give you something now, but everything seems so inadequate and I can't bring myself to do that to you. I wish that this was something that I could Fix easily. It seems like forever since I wrote anything that I truly thought was original. Sometimes it almost feels as if I'm losing myself, and there are some moments when I don't know how I got here. Like tonight.
Tonight was beautiful. Up on the roof with the sun setting behind the trees and buildings in the distance. It was true that I was watching the world go by and that I was being vague. But I couldn't help the moment. The moment was beautiful. Looking back, I notice that I have lost the knowledge of how to be alone. That thing that kept me strong. I need it so badly.
So back to my original point.
I ask for your forgiveness.
AJ

Story (Cont'd)

2008-03-26T18:17:00.001-05:00

"Mira Don't. Please don't." Lily looked up and her eyes were pleading, with so much pain. Mira started to say something but stopped herself. Lily looked at Mira, and it was like looking back to all those years ago, when they were so happy. Images of the Mira sleeping on that last night, flashed into Lily’s mind and Lily closed her eyes and turned her head so that Mira wouldn’t see the shimmer of tears. She blinked, once, twice and when she turned back to Mira, it was like the tears had never existed. "I Loved you, and I needed you to know that, I can’t tell you why, but it just needed to be said," Lily spoke, her voice almost a whisper. “I loved you, and now I have to leave" Lily stood, moving towards the door. Mira stood, moving to block her exit from the tiny room.
“I can’t Stay” Lily said, pain filled her voice again, her back to Mira.
Mira reached out to touch Lily, but dropped her hand when Lily flinched away.
“I don’t understand” a note of pleading had crept into Mira’s voice much to her disgust. “Why, After all of these years did you…” She let her voice trail off. Lily felt a single tear spill down her cheek as she hurriedly tried to wipe it away.

2008-03-26T17:44:00.002-05:00

Fuck the pain away
touched by the velvet chain
these thoughts go round me
biting my fist
because it feels too good
need some more but
DON'T
So smooth and soft
a guilty Pleasure
taunting like a dream
almost cruel in necessity
silver light buzzes around my head

About Me

2008-03-12T16:34:00.002-05:00

I'm a bitch, I'm bossy and bitchy and annoying and controlling and arrogant and nosy and a bit hypocritical. I like things my way; I like to think that I am almost always right. I'm Picky, and I can be a bit anal retentive. I work too much and I chill too little. I complain more than I should. I’m a bit moody. I don’t party; I don’t drink, or smoke or do drugs. I'm normally asleep by 11PM and I hate to be woken up in the middle of the night. I can be mean and vindictive and revengeful. I'm private and I keep secrets, I like my space. I sometimes try to do too much, and accomplish too little.
I’m friendly, and I like being around people. I love the people that I work and live with. I love my Family both those of blood and those of the heart. I Love to read, when I get the time, but it seems that I never do. I walk around with a little smile on my face, and I try to look on the bright side of things when I can. I like food, and I love good company. I love to dance, and I love music. I would share just about anything that I have. If you need something I will bend over backward for you. I’m a good listener, and I can keep a secret. I don’t care what strangers think. I'm honest and if you really want me too I will tell you the truth. I know when to keep my mouth shut. I don’t care about money, and if you need some I'll be there. I don’t keep tally of who owes who. I want others to tell me the truth when I ask; I would do the same for you. I like to debate about things so be prepared to back up your opinion. I have tons of favorites and I almost always have a new one. . I love to ask questions and I’m permanently curious.
So ask me a question. You might just get an answer.

Ramblings

2008-02-21T14:22:00.003-06:00

Again I find myself rambling down a thought path that I’m not sure that I want to fallow, but it seems that I’m going to take you down this road once again. Almost another year has passed since I blew out my birthday candles for the 18th time and I find myself marveling at all that has changed since then. This new life seems like it should not fit sometimes, but then I stop thinking about it and it feels just perfect. Maybe my resolve is weaker, because I find myself promising that I will do things differently and then a moment later I do it all over again. What does that mean? I know that things should change but I’m not sure that I know how and thought I believe that there are things and people that change your life, no one has shown up yet. but I know myself better now then I did a year ago, I know what I want to do, and I can see myself in that place, still I’m a little fuzzy on the details. Once again, my friends I’m being dragged away by responsibilities so until our next, adieu, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow.

2008-01-30T18:48:00.000-06:00

This is my call of outrage
because it seems that
to be who you are, is to be in protest
so this is my statement of independance,
i do not need that
i do not want that
i am going to be strong
i am the way i am
and thats how im gonna stay
so for everyone who doubts
that i can be me
and still be ok
this is all i have to say
FUCK YOU

Story

2008-01-21T18:06:00.001-06:00

Remember This...? Well it’s an old story, continued; please feel free to give suggestions, changes etc, etc.
She sat in the dark room smoking a cigarette. She was waiting for the sweet relaxation that she knew was coming. She was tense, more so than usual. She was expecting someone. A dangerous someone, not that she was any better, as a matter of fact no one she knew was. Everyone was an enemy. But this particular someone was more dangerous to her than anyone else. She ran a hand through her short dark hair and wondered why she had ever agreed to this. Suddenly, she tensed, hearing something, her right hand going quickly to her hip where her gun rested, loaded and ready to fire. The door opened to let a slender young woman into the room it was Her. "Mira" The young woman's voice was low and sweet; she sat down at the table her dark clothes revealing nothing and everything. She was close enough that Mira could smell the light clean scent of her hair soap and feel the warmth of her body. Mira took another hit of her cigarette, waiting for the woman to speak again. When her words did come it shook Mira, making her jump out of her seat. "I didn't think that you would come"
"Would you rather I leave?" Mira said gesturing to the door with her cigarette. The other woman looked down at her hands. "No...No I don't" she fidgeted when she spoke. Mira smiled, a tiny bit of the corner of her mouth turning up. She was nervous. Good. It was nice to have an even playing field.
"Your note was so short, I was curious" Mira suddenly said by way of explanation, shrugging her shoulders and leaning back in the chair slouching a bit, her voice a bit harsh. The other woman laughed, the tension snapping like a twig, and suddenly Mira could breath again. Mira didn’t realize until then how nervous she really was. She really is quite lovely, Mira thought, her long blond hair was still the same as she remembered. The image of the woman’s hair, loose and fanned around her head like a halo flashed into Mira's mind. She shook her head, like she was trying to shake the memories away. She wanted to touch this woman; run her fingers through the long silky locks, just like she had done all those years ago but she shook those memories away as well.
"Where did you go" Mira said looking into the elusive bright eyes that were still so hard to read, her voice cracking just a little. She tapped the ash off the end of her cigarette into an ashtray that was sitting on the table. The Woman looked down avoiding Mira’s eyes. "Lily" Mira's voice was bedroom soft, soft like it had been when they were lovers.

Stab...Twist...Pull.

2008-01-21T08:35:00.000-06:00

I want it so badly that it hurts like a knife stabbing into my chest and I cant seem to bring myself any closer, almost like I'm on a path that has everyone around me going in a straight line and I keep going in circles. I want to ask someone what it is that is going wrong but no one seems to know the answer, and just blindly tell me what I want to hear so that they can assuage their own guilt. And then people wonder why I act the way I do, and its too difficult to explain to them what they should be able to see with their own eyes.
Basically, if you want the summery, its like this

Stab

Twist

Pull

Judgement

2007-12-24T00:17:00.000-06:00

No one has the right to pass judgement on someone else. I hate it that people are always complaing that they are judged, when they themselves judge others. Unless you are willing to be judged by someone else you shouldnt do it to others. no one is perfect and anyone who claims that is hidding something. Do not rail against hipocracy unless you are willing to look deeply into yourself for your own truth.

Rain in december

2007-12-11T07:59:00.001-06:00

This is so royally unfair its not even funny. Everyone in their right mind is still in bed and yet, because of the stupid university, which doesn't cancel for anything is still open, i am at school, because I think that I'm a crazy person.
When on any terms is RAIN in DECEMBER NORMAL!?!?!?!?

2007-12-01T00:22:00.000-06:00

"I fear no thing that crawls the earth except the deeds of man"

2007-11-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

does it make you think
does it make you hope
are you better for it
can you escape for it
does it touch you deeply
does it make you feel
does it bring you up
does it drag you down
do you crave it
are you crazy in it
are you sane
is it spectacular
is it plain
is it everything
is it nothing
do you love it?

2007-11-09T09:05:00.001-06:00

too tired to post anything
so this is gonna have to do
Peace

2007-10-31T21:58:00.000-05:00

what am i gonna say to you when i see you again
how am i supposed to act
you fucked everything up and now your someone that i dont know
why would you do something so stupid
what were you thinking
what are you going to say to me
are you planning on apologizing or would you rather just forget that i exist
do you really even care
am i apart of the life that you left behind
what am i gonna do when i see you

ramblings

2007-10-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

i need to say something to some one but i dont really know how to start, so i guess im just gonna start by telling yall that i dont know how to start and maybe what i am trying to say or what needs to be said will come out in the end. i didnt really realize that anyone else read this blog anymore, so this is often a commentary on what i happen to feel at a particular moment. its just like a photograph only with words, what happens in my life or more specifically in the lives of those who are around me at times can affect what i say in this little blog of mine. at times i have thought of getting rid of it and trying to delete it but then something happens and i am pulled back into it. its strange the fact that all my friends started one of these things, and now i am the only one who still uses it. i browse sometimes the old posts that i and others have written and i remember what it was like then. its really interesting to stumble across an old blog and read about the comments of some stranger who might be halfway across the world two years ago. who knows what might happen to us all. a year ago i could not have imagined living this life. in so many ways my life has changed but, ya know, it has also stayed the same. everyone says that someday they will look back and laugh, but whenever i look back, i just think how sad everyone is. why is it that the emotions we express to the world are most often the ones of loss or depression. is it really optamistic of me to think that everyone deserves to be happy.

the fact is i dont know. i dont know much of anything. and no one seems inclined to tell me but this i do know. i will always tell the truth, and for all of you out there in cyber land, that is something that is actually real.

2007-10-22T07:23:00.000-05:00

it is none of your bussiness what she does or who she fucks or where she is so shut the fuck up and get your head out of your ass

2007-09-25T16:46:00.001-05:00

sometimes i think im too practical to fall in love

Quotes from M&O

2007-09-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

"One by one the penguins are stealing my sanity"

"Like a Crazy Monkey!"

2007-09-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

so i love my room mates, or house mates or whatever you want to call them, and one of the reason i love them is because i never see them so it makes it so much easier to not to be angry at them. whats really interesting though is now that i live with these people i want less and less to do with them. i can imagine that it would almost be better to live with complete strangers because then, i wouldn't really know them enough to miss their company.

Ironic

2007-08-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

okay, so now i am feeling so much better, since that last post because i had vented to someone who i was not living with, i read the post and it hits me as really ironic, because there i was begging for the salvation of my soul and i finish with Peace, which for those of you who dont know me, is a very common signiture, and i realize how ironic that sounds. okay so the irony might not hit anyone else the way it did me but i thought that i might comment on my unintentional hipocracy. I guess my housemates are starting to rub off on me...

Pray

2007-08-28T12:38:00.000-05:00

Please

Somebody Pray for me

because i feel like my soul is in hell

Peace

First Day

2007-08-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

Okay so the first day of classes for me has ended. and i really must admit that it is almost exactly like the first day of highschool, lots of going over the syllabi and taking role, and a LOT of TA's Talking about themselves and a couple or really lame icebrakers which did nothing to make th e TA's look more professional or make the class more interesting. They just make me more boared. I really like my american politics class and i really like my judeo-christian tradition class, but the professors in the other classes i am not so sure about. Anyway, now i start my first day of work. So wish me luck!

2007-08-19T18:41:00.000-05:00

I start College in one week
and i am completely terrified and i am at the same time ecstatic. I cant wait, but i know that there is nothing that i can do about it and the wait is driving me crazy.
and i know that everyone is saying poor baby but this is gonna be an insane year, for all of us.

michfest

2007-08-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

hello everyone
i hope that you all jelous because for the next week
i am going to be in the company of some of the coolest people, and i will also be seeing some of the best preformers, at
MICH FEST!!!

hahahahahahah
see ya'll later

isnt it interesting

2007-07-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

isnt it intresting
what space and time can create
a intense devotion
a empty nothingness
isnt it interesting
what memory makes
a happiness hoped for
a saboteur scorned
isnt it intresting.

2007-07-08T10:13:00.000-05:00

I Got A Tattoo!
it is really awesome
i will be posting a picture of it once it heals
Peace, Love, Happiness
Amber

2007-07-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

HI
Just wondering how everyones summer has been going
mine is just fab.
okay this post seems really pointless now
but i guess i will keep it for now
Peace
Amber

2007-05-31T10:17:00.000-05:00

okay
ive graduated
its kinda disapointing
not much has changed
really
its kinda boring

2007-05-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

THERE ARE 3 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!

2007-02-28T13:41:00.000-06:00

you are a complete fuck up
i dont know if you know this or not but you hurt the people that you suposedidly care about the most and you expect them to kiss your ass all the time and forgive you in a moment.
what the fuck.
do you just not realize that this is happening or are you too wrapped up in your own little world to notice or even care?

2007-02-19T14:57:00.001-06:00

I think that I have broken the record for most promdresses tried on in a single weekend, in the past two days I have tried on 21 PROMDRESSES!!!
I wish no one to be subjected to that. Ever. But the good news is that I have one picked out, and at the risk of sounding like a prissy snob I must say that it is FABULOUS!!!
and you should see the shoes...

Pathetic Looser

2007-01-25T12:48:00.000-06:00

i love how no one ever posts coments on this damn blog. if your all not carefull i might start to think that no one is out there in cyberland. So if anyone is listening, i am trying to post more often, and if not , maybe years from now some one will read this and wonder who the pathetic looser was who wrote this.
Peace
AJ

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

2007-01-16T19:47:00.000-06:00

we all know what it is, we all know who causes it, and for some reason it always seems to center around one person. but, though we whine and complain about the drama in our lives you know that we all secretly like it. we are secretly looking forward to the next episode in the saga known as life. so i say, shut up and deal with it...you know you want to

2007-01-11T12:40:00.000-06:00

we all love you, and you know it so i dont understand what makes you think that we wont help you? all we want, is for you to be happy, and even if they deny it if they looked deep inside of themselves they would feel the same, because the best thing that a person can wish on another is to be happy. that pharase is over used today but the truth and the meaning behind it is still there, its still true. So this is my wish of the world. Be Joyful, Be Happy, and Be Loved

2007-01-07T17:38:00.000-06:00

holla every one
just thought that i would say hi
so hi
okay this is really randome so i think that i will go now
Peace

Happy New Year

2007-01-03T18:35:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year Everyone
I would like to wish everyone good things for this year
Peace, Love and Happiness
Amber

Letter Winner

2006-11-08T10:24:00.000-06:00

Last night, After 4 years of toil and struggle, I earned my Varsity letter.

Yeah Me!

V FOR VENDETTA

2006-11-06T10:25:00.000-06:00

Anyone remember the beginning scene in V for Vendetta?
check this out

"Fact: Guido"Guy" Fawkes was one of the catholic conspirators who planted 36 barrels of gunpowder beneath the house of lords in 1605. The plan to blow up the houses of parliament went awry when one of the conspirators tipped of a sympathetic catholic lord, hoping to spare his life. Fawkes was caught in the basement before he could light the gunpowder He was tortured on he rack until he confessed then later hung, drawn and quartered. Every November 5th, villages and towns across England celebrate Fawke's Failure with fireworks and a bonfire in which he is burned in effigy. " Fact or Crap Workman Publishing 2007

Swim seasons over :) :(

2006-10-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Swim Practice
while simotanously the bain of my existance (at least during the fall)
is the best thing that i have ever done in high school.
Senior night was yesturday, and the highlight of my evening was not the secondplace finish in the breast stoke or the cake but it was watching my mom put the tiara on my very gay assiatant coach trish. you all should have seen the look on her face. it will deffinitly live on in memory.
Love
Me

2006-08-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

just goin with the flow

2006-08-04T17:45:00.000-05:00

Yeah! I'm going to Michigan isn't that totally Awesome! So Happy!

Question of the Month

2006-07-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

Which Would you rather Be...

Dazzlingly Clever,
Angelically Kind, Or
Divinely Beautiful?

In Loving Memory

2006-06-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

2006-06-24T20:36:00.000-05:00

Take something great away from everything that you do
for it is the experiences of our lives that give us strength and understanding
the experiences that build our character and guide our lives
so...You may not be the strongest, or the tallest or the wisest or have the most medals
but you are the person that you make yourself become

2006-06-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you, your thoughts mean a lot to me

And I'm sorry that I tease. It is only meant in fun.

Last Will and Testament

2006-06-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

What would you do if someone that you cared about died?
even if it was only for a short amount of time? Like a year or two? Would you fly halfway around the world to talk to them one last time? Where would you want to be most of all? What if they took the someone that you loved away from you? What if you had no idea what happened to them?
just some thing to think about

Last Will and Testament

To my mother I leave all my possessions except for those which are listed here

To Kirsten, I leave my stop sign and my little blue book, for you are the one who I trust most with my secrets

To Nima, I leave my Books, for off all those I know you are the one who I know would keep them and remember them for the connections that they bring to our lives.

To Tomeka, I leave the diary where I keep all the stories that I have written, I know how much you dislike technology, maybe you will contribute to what I have already started

2006-06-13T09:40:00.000-05:00

She sat in the dark room smoking a cigarette. She was waiting for the sweet relation that she knew was coming. She was tense, came with the territory but more so than usual. She was expecting someone. A dangerous someone. Not that she was any better, as a matter of fact no one she knew was. It was a dark time when everyone was a enemy. But this particular someone was more dangerous to her than anyone else. She ran a hand through her short dark hair and wondered why she had ever agreed to this. Suddenly, she tensed, hearing something, her right hand going quickly to her hip where a semiautomatic pistol rested loaded and ready to fire. The door opened to let a slender young woman into the the room it was Her. "Mira" The young woman's voice was low and sweet, she sat down at the table here dark clothes revealing nothing and everything but there was no doubt in Mira's mind that she was carrying a gun, she always had. She was close enough , that Mira could smell the light clean scent of her hair soap. Mira took another hit of her cigarette, waiting for the woman to speak again. When her words did come it shook Mira, making her jump out of her seat. "I didn't think that you would come" It was still a shock to hear her voice after so much time. "Would you rather I leave?" Mira said gesturing to the door with her cigarette, her voice dripping with irony. The other Woman momentarily looked confused "No...No I don't" she fidgeted when she spoke. Mira smiled a tiny bit the corner of her mouth turning up. She was nervous. Good. It was nice to have an even playing field. "Your note was So short, I was curious" Mira suddenly responded by way of explanation, shrugging her shoulders. The other woman laughed, the tension snapping like a twig, and suddenly Mira Could breath again. She really is quite lovely, Mira thought, her long blond hair was still the same as she remembered. The immage of the womans hair, loos and fanned around her head like a halo flashed into Mira's mind. She shook her head, like she was trying to shake the memories away. She wanted to touch her, run her fingers through the long silky locks, just like she had done all those years ago but she shook those memories away as well. "Where did you go" Mira said looking into the elusive bright eyes that were still so hard to read, her voice cracking just a little. "after you left?"she tapped the ash off the end of her cigarette into an ashtray that was sitting on the table. The Woman looked down avoiding her eyes. "Lily" Mira's voice was bedroom soft "Don't. Please don't." Lily looked up and her eyes were pleading as she looked at Mira. Mira looked like she was about to say something but stopped herself. Lily looked at Mira, and it was like looking back to all those years ago, when they were so happy. Lily closed her eyes and turned her head so that Mira wouldnt see the shimmer of tears in her eyes. She let them dry, and when she turned back to Mira, it was like the tears had never existed. "I Loved You, and I needed you to know that, I cant tell you why, but it needed to be said," Lily spoke, her voice almost a whisper. " I loved you, and now I have to leave" Lily stood, moving towards the door.
tell me what you think please! I will be adding segments to this so stop back!

2006-05-01T16:48:00.000-05:00

Your so Obvious its hysterical

2006-04-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

shout out to any one that wants to go see Stick It with me and help me oggle Missy Peregrym and her utter hottness holla back

Xena

2006-03-14T21:51:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry if this is completely cliche, but I love Xena she rocks my world and you can make fun of me all you want if you want but its true

2006-02-23T16:26:00.000-06:00

grades are just a pain in the ass and i hate them and i wish that pe counted on my gpa and will the drama ever end?